Okay. This isn't something that at the time, I ever would have thought I'd be writing about in a blog post 5 or 6 years later. I apologize if this isn't exactly what you wanted to read today, as I understand it is a bit out there in terms of my blog, and doesn't really follow the beauty, fashion and lifestyle criteria I tend to write about.
But I do hope you also acknowledge that I am also completely out of my comfort zone and wasn't exactly sure how to write about this particular topic. So instead of using complex sentences and focused photos etc. I just wanted to sit and write a blog post, something that I'm much more comfortable with than attempting to sound like I understand the subject. Because the truth is.. I don't. I honestly don't. And I know, you're probably wondering why I'm writing about this then. But I just wanted to share my experience, in the hope that others will learn and possibly shed some light on this complicated topic.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is defined by the NHS as 'a mental health condition where a person has obsessive thoughts and compulsive activity.' .
- Obsessions ~ unwanted and disturbing thoughts, images, or impulses that suddenly pop into the mind and cause a great deal of anxiety or distress.
- Compulsions ~ deliberate behaviors (e.g. washing, checking, ordering) or mental acts (e.g. praying, counting, repeating phrases) that are carried out to reduce the anxiety caused by the obsessions.
Professionally, I could not describe this any better myself. It is a feeling of being out of control of a situation or thing. It's something that will just press on your mind, causing such anxiety, until you complete your thoughts or behaviors
OCD is typically seen as a 'clean-freak' disease, but it can also be about absolutely anything.
Okay. So now for my story.....(deep breaths)
When I was around 8 or 9ish, I started having strange feelings. Every now and then I would look at something and have to keep looking at it for 4 seconds. It soon became an obsession based around the number 4. For example, if I picked up the remote, I would have to pick it up 4 times before changing the channel, and I would have to open and shut the fridge four times, or try on 4 outfits a day, or walk in and out of my room 4 times before entering it.
It probably sounds extremely strange to you, and I really am not expecting you to understand.
When I told my mum about it, she said that she once suffered from it a bit, and I knew that my dad suffered from stress and anxiety, so looking back on it now, I probably inherited it from my genes somewhere. But unfortunately, at the time, I just saw it as what it was. An inconvenience.
I soon became out of control, and it wasn't as though all of my compulsions were physical, most of it was mental. For instance, I would be watching TV, and in the advert, I would mute it, and have to click four times, or think of the number 4 so hard that I thought my brain was hurting.
But unfortunately, as awful pressure as this was on a 9/10 year old, it got worse. Soon enough, I was suffering from break outs; not as in spots or anything, but random bursts of emotion that would drain me of all my energy. Like, if I were to clap four times, or stare at a part of the sky for four seconds, and I lost count of how long I'd done it for, I would freak out. And that is honestly the best way I could describe it. It's as though there was something controlling my brain, forcing me to just break down. I would curl up somewhere I considered as 'safe' (mainly my bed), and I would grip my head, and cry and rock myself back and fourth. It sounds really stupid now, and I do ask that you sympathize and understand this is a tricky subject for me to think about, let alone put online.
Despite being in primary, and me having a great time playing fun and games, there was all of a sudden a more serious side to it. I couldn't keep control of myself, and my friends started to notice too, 'Why are you staring at the ceiling?' 'Why are you clapping?' 'Why won't you play with us?'
Although name calling is a typical thing for children, if I was ever called selfish or self-centered, it would really hit me hard. As the rest of my school did not seem to understand how I could not control myself, and I would never have OCD for the sake of attention-seeking.
Luckily, as I reached secondary school and around the age of 11, the OCD started to wear off. Slowly but surely, certain things that would of set off my OCD started to stop bothering me. I think in the end, school started to become somewhere I could escape from it, and as I was so distracted with secondary school, I almost forgot about the OCD part of my mind. Once in a while I still get moments of OCD, like I have to look at two parts of my TV before watching it, but I am nowhere near as out of control as I used to be.
And that is actually all it is. The key word of this, is Control. Although I couldn't keep control of my anxiety, does not mean you have to go through what I did. I did have friends and family to talk to, but I also felt trapped and alone. If you have just one person to talk to (a friend, your mum, dad, brother, or sister, teacher, tutor, councilor), simply talking to someone and opening up about your feelings will help.
I doubt that many of you reading this will have OCD as it only affects 1-2% of the population, but I just wanted to make a blog post talking about something slightly more serious than mascaras for a change. And also, I just wanted to make you aware of the fact, that different people cope in situations in different ways, and maybe if your have a friend who needs guidance, or if you yourself are feeling alone, then learn from my story. Open up and talk about it.
I you ever are feeling scared or unsure go to: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/#.VM_U6NKsWqg
I'm much more happy now than I was 5 years ago
But I can pretty much say that...
I suffered with a mental illness.
And you know what?
I'm stronger because of it
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